Why do we celebrate the new year? It’s such an arbitrary thing, January 1st. In fact, we could easily have foregone the solar calendar (I think we use that one) in favor of my suggestion, a giant hourglass full of miniature monkeys that regularly drop through, then a guy turns over the hourglass when it is empty. Just make it a days’ length or so and you’re golden, plus you just created another job. Economics.
Anyway, we’re stuck with celebrating the new year thanks to the GOVERNMENT, and that means it’s time to determine all of our faults then sing one verse of a nonsense song while getting utterly blasted and imagining that this party we’re at, this lame, lame party, will somehow be a fun memory or something instead of the huge letdown it always is.
The Stars, however, are easier to pin down when it comes to fault determination than most of us are. This is mainly because of two things. First, our lives lack the intense scrutiny of a professional athlete’s. Second, athletes lose games literally all the time. Every single year they fail a ton, and we somehow just get used to it. Well, no more. It’s time somebody went through this roster and told each of these fellows to shape up or shape out or whatever. I am somebody, technically, so let’s do this.
Dallas Stars 2015 New Year’s Resolutions
Jamie Benn: Sign up for cooking lessons.
Tyler Seguin: Never get this cold again.
Colton Sceviour: Get better haircuts for team photos in order to avoid looking like a 1994 sitcom jock character.
Jason Spezza: Find a way to take advantage of offensive zone starts and begin scoring like it’s 2013. Or 2012. Or 2010. Any other year would be better than this one, actually.
Ales Hemsky: See Jason Spezza. Alternatively, do this more:
Erik Cole: Harness the inner Luigi and start getting more bounces.
Brett Ritchie: Match or better 2014’s total goal production.
Shawn Horcoff: Limit all future illness to rhymes and raps.
Travis Moen: Make at least one more awesome television appearance.
Travis Morin: Get that first one.
Vernon Fiddler: Improve fighting technique:
Cody Eakin: Continue scoring on elite goalies without being confused for the elder Pete.
Antoine Roussel: Set a new Kessel-hurling record
Ryan Garbutt: Stop contributing to the Players’ Emergency Assistance Fund.
Jordie Benn: Teach Jamie Oleksiak how to grow the other half of his huge beard.
Trevor Daley: Do this again in the playoffs:
Alex Goligoski: Re-introduce Corey Perry to your hips. As we all know, they don’t lie.
Jamie Oleksiak: Ask Jordie Benn how to grow both halves of a huge beard properly.
Jyrki Jokipakka: Batten down the follicle hatches to a more professional look. (We know you’re capable of curbing your scalp exhaust. I found evidence!)
John Klingberg: Make dangling something that isn’t just for hyenas anymore:
Jason Demers: Donate some extra suits to Daryl Sutter, who desperately needs them.
Anders Lindback: Start a hockey game for the Dallas Stars and win it.
Kari Lehtonen: Continue the Stars-scored-seven-goals tradition no matter what anyone says. We all know Ruff wouldn’t bench you for it: