FanPost

Let's look at a proposed Stars line-up that isn’t totally wrong like everyone else's.

This will be super brief because I know you all have other proposed line-ups to crap on during your busy day. (Also, this is posted here to prove a point.)
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Since consultant Ken is now gone as of last week, the line combination possibilities have opened up, unlike any time since, well, probably since about 13 seconds ago when line combinations again changed in Montgomery’s head. But let’s fix them for good. Here is a line-up that will undoubtedly make this team good. Forever.
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FORWARDS:
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LW: Benn (If Ruff was still here, you’d be questioning which Benn.) – C: Seguin (Only if he didn’t have a bro-spat with Jamie during pre-game warm-ups because then it could just get awk on post-game Snapchat.) – RW: Apparently any person who owns or rents-to-own a pair of ice hockey skates, if Radulov is hurt.
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LW: Janmark – C: Spezza – RW: Janmark (This way Jason knows the names of both his wingers for the first time this season. The added bonus is that Janmark will intuitively know when to go-to the front of the net because he can be fairly certain the other Janmark is going to try a wraparound and the puck will squirt off his/their stick to the no-one who is waiting in the slot.)
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LW: Faksa – C: Faksa – RW: Faksa (This line needs to be used for each and every defensive-zone-start and also be recognized as the Stars’ best chance for the prompt collection of any wayward gravy.)
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LW: Hintz C: Dowling RW: Shore (Just so there can be a line where not one of the players on it have any clue for which team they will be playing by the end of the year, and, regardless of how the wingers play, the line’s Corsi will be negative due to the abyss of Shore’s possession metrics.)
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LW: Dickinson – C: Smith – RW: Pitlick (So Stars fans can see what it’s like to have three players on one line who skate fast, put in work every shift and seem to care for 60 minutes per game.)
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LW: Empty – C: Empty – RW: Radulov, Nichushkin, and Gurianov (This will mix things up by playing three staunch Russian right-wingers with a nationality that is typically far more left of center. Also, they can talk in their native tongue about the ridiculous line shuffling without fear of repercussion. They can talk Russian smack about coaches and discuss Caspian Sea caviar while the following takes place: the first RW generates all of the Stars’ primary scoring chances by himself; the second RW continues to mash the shit out of opposing goalie pads in a vain attempt to elevate the puck; and, the third RW checks his Uber-Rideshare account to figure out how he’s going to get a lift back to Cedar Park the morning after a game in which he just scored a hat-trick.)
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LW: Comeau – C: Hanzal – RW: Ritchie (Although not the fleetest of skaters, this line could certainly change the tempo of a game. In fact, just by putting those three names close to each other while writing this, the speed of my typing slowed down by about 25-30 words per minute.)
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DEFENSEMEN:
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The injury bug has been a bugaboo for the Stars so far. The team dressed or planned to dress 12 different defensemen this year so Monty has quite a deck shuffling situation on his defensive juggling hands. Good thing he likes to mix it up. Since there are so many d-men in the mix, instead of defensive pairings, let’s do three at a time and make these into defensive tre-rings to save some time.
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Bayreuther – Gleason – Hanley -——— also, what is a Fedun?: (Most hockey fans didn’t know who any of these dudes were at the beginning of the year so these players don’t deserve any guff for what has happened so far. That should be their go-to excuse for the rest of the season when Stars security staff ask why none of them have clearance to get into the American Airlines Center without a ticket.)
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Heiskanen – Lindell – Honka: (They’re all Finns – real clever, huh? – so this could work because they’re all kinda pasty. However, just based on historical dealings between their two countries and that World War II thing from a while ago, we might want to keep this group away from the all-Russian forward line previously suggested (they still tend to get a little testy about the whole thing – snipers and sieges and conquering and whatnot).
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Klingberg – Carrick – Johns: (There is no logical tie-in for the three defensemen here but that is similar to the shuffling that has taken place thus far this season so Monty should feel right at home with this combo. Also, these three currently cover all three of the injury designations an NHL player can have. As per the Collective Bargaining Agreement, the three injury types are as follows. Type 1: Connor Carrick – Lower Body Injury. Type 2: John Klingberg – Upper Body Injury. Type 3: Stephen Johns – Injury elsewhere that is neither lower, nor upper, but is above the shoulders and is absolutely not related to trauma, or the head, and pay no attention that trauma and head were just used in the same sentence, and what really is a concussion anyway because there is nothing like that happening to this or any player ever, and I am uncertain concussion is even a real word, plus you’re the one who said concussion first so why do you keep bringing up that word anyway since we solved this whole mess a few days ago by throwing a few hundred dollars at some retired hockey players who used to work here, and now no injuries will ever be disclosed again anyway? So there, Type 3.)
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Methot – Heatherington – Polak: (How fun would it be to trudge this nimble defensive bunch out with the brisk Comeau-Hanzal-Ritchie forward triumvirate suggested above and play them on the first power-play unit? Physics suggests that time would slow to a near stand-still if this crew were allowed to all skate on the same sheet of ice simultaneously. If I had thought of this days ago, time might’ve slowed to such a degree that the team could’ve gone on a goalless, 38-minute dump-and-chase power-play that would have made Ken Hitchcock a proud, yet still very cantankerous, Stars consultant. Or, maybe it’s a good thing I never brought it up earlier on the odd chance he might’ve stayed because of this line. * thinks about it – shudders – punches self for even thinking it – punches self twice more – feels better now.)
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Thoughts? Suggestions? Adjustments?
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Yeah. I figured. I wouldn’t change a thing either.
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