Thanks to my inside contacts with the NSA, I have managed to aquire a copy of a phone called placed to Pittsburgh Penguins goaltender Marc-Andre Fleury's home late Sunday evening. (Don't ask how a Canadian has inside contacts with the American NSA. Just do what every hockey fan does when something related to the game seems really messed up and blame Gary Bettman.)
The following is a transcript of the short phone call...
Marc-Andre Fluery: 'Allo? Flurey residence.
Marty Turco: Hey Marc! It's me Marty!
MAF: Martin Brodeur?! Look you have to stop calling me about this Carolina thing! For the last time I can't honestly explain why I was able to handle them so easily while you couldn't...
Turco: Wha? No Marc, It's Marty Turco from Dallas.
MAF: Oh! Uhh... Missieur Turco. How may I help you?
Turco: Actually I am calling to help you!
Turco: Yeah! I wanna help you beat the Red Wings Tuesday night!
MAF: I thank you for the offer Marty, but I have been...
Turco: No, no, it's no problem at all! I wanna see those red and white bastards fall flat on there face for once and while you hay have played them 13 times in the past two seasons and have become somewhat familiar with them, I'm the starting goalie for one of their biggest conference rivals and as such I know all the tricks to beating them and I want to share those tips with you!
MAF: Well uhh... Gosh Marty, I appreciate the help but I think I've been holding my own against them.
Turco: Nonsense! You have a losing record against the Wings. Hell, I even have more wins against them than you do!
MAF: Really? I thought you always had troubles beating them! After Saturday my record against them was 6 wins and 10 losses, what is yours?
Turco: *muttering* 7 wins, 15 losses and 4 ties...
MAF: Wait... What? I have a better record than you and you are going to offer me advice?
Turco: Yes! Because I know those guys inside and out. Look, the first key to beating the Wings is to focus on the guys crashing your net. You need to shove and high stick them out of the way whenever possible and complain to the refs whenever they do score a goal!
MAF: Really? I dunno, my goalie coach Gilles has been telling me to focus on the puck and not worry about the bodies around me...
Turco: Gilles Meloche?! Man, don't listen to that clown! I'm breaking all his records here in Dallas!
MAF: But Gilles in the last three seasons has really helped me become one of the best goalies in the Eastern conference!
Turco: Look Marc, do you want my help here or not?
MAF: Well actually it was you who called me...
Turco: Only because I know what you are going through! The Red Wings can drive a goalie insane! Trust me, all I wanted last season was an understanding friend to be there for me that I could talk to when I was facing the Wings and I was stuck with Johan Holmqvist! Dude spoke English about as well as he stopped pucks! Ha! That's funny right Marc??
MAF: Maybe a little...
Turco: I know what you're going through when you have to face the devestating combo of Justin Abdelkader and Jiri Hudler on a two on one.
MAF: Honestly Marty, it hasn't been that bad. I've been doing ok out there I think.
Turco: *softly laughing* Oh poor, naive Marc... That's what you think now, but just wait until you fail in this year's playoffs, and then next year's, and then playoffs after that... Suddenly you won't be able to turn around without having some Doritos eating moron on the team message board demanding you get traded away and lamenting the fact that Mike Smith was the one that was dealt instead of you!
MAF: Mike Smith has never played for...
Turco: How dare they right?! Do they honestly think Smitty would have gotten them past the Sharks last season? Hell no!! That was all me baby! And even though I won that series, all they ever show on the highlights is that damn Nabokov save on Richards!
MAF: Yeah I hear ya, but really Marty I...
Turco: And hell I finally beat the Wings for the first time in my career in Joe Louis Arena in last year's series! Wasn't that enough for the fans??
MAF: They can be fickle.
Turco: Fickle?! Don't even get me started on what they were like this season! Of course I was off my game and struggling to start! If I had to hear Sean Avery bitch one more time about how Morrow's suit didn't match Niskanen's tie I was gonna friggin snap! Hey did you know Avery was a former Red Wing? What a bunch of jerks...
MAF: Listen Marty, this has been enlightening but I...
Turco: Stupid Red Wings! Ya know who else drives me nuts on that team? Dan Cleary... Always with the "Newfoundland this" and "Newfoundland that" when he's on the ice, and he trash talks ya in that goofy-ass accent of his. Hey that's another tip I have for ya now that I think about it... wear ear plugs!
MAF: While playing!?
Turco: Of course while playing! How else are you going to block out the distracting sounds like the Wings fans chanting your name or Cleary's Newfie trash talk or the sound of Zetterburg's ultra-heavy mouth breathing when he's in front of you?
MAF: Well Gilles has these mental exersices...
Turco: Again, forget about Gilles! And forget these mental drills! Andy Moog has me try to do them all the time but I just ignore him... I mean has he ever won the Cup as a starting goalie?
MAF: Well actually he...
Turco: Also you may want to see if putting on a red and white jersey will help your chances of winning the Cup. It seems to be doing wonders for that Hossa guy! Kronwall hasn't even tried to take him out with his flying shoulder tackle this series! I would have done it myself last year but Modano was telling us if he wasn't going to have a chance to wear a Red Wings jersey, then no one on our team would!
MAF: But Hossa is actually a member of the Red...
*phone line beeps*
MAF: *breathing sigh of relief* Oh hey, Marty I gotta let you go... I gotta 'nother call!
Turco: Sure thing Marc! Remember... ear plugs!!
*clicking sounds follow*
MAF: 'Allo? Flurey residence.
Ray Emery: Hey Marcus!! It's me Razor! I just wanted to pass on some some advice on goaltending in a Stanley Cup final!
*sound of phone hanging up*